When North Korea Won’t Take Your Calls


“We called at 9 a.m. and there was no response,” a South Korean official said of the hotline in place with the North since the armistice in 1953.

When North Korea won’t take your calls
And the landlord demands the rent
When both cats have a UTI
And the Persian rug is spent

When March sends down its rain in reams
And spring seems a distant thing
Your ninth-grade spurnings haunt your dreams
When Kim lets it ring and ring

When North Korea won’t take your calls
When the Witnesses skip your door
When Satan no longer shows interest
In your lousy soul anymore

When grannies don’t need your help crossing
When Greenpeace ignores you in malls
There’s no point in saving, or flossing
When Pyongyang stops taking your calls


News to Me


For Nielsen can measure the viewers
And Richter can measure the shocks
There’s Curie to tally the gammas
And Greenwich to parse the world’s clocks

But how do you gauge the rejection
That buffets your heart with harsh squalls
How do you hold up your weary head
Now that Kim Jong-Un’s screening your calls?

Once you played squash with George Clooney
You summered your horses in Spain
Cleaned up with swaps on the loonie
Raised windy toasts to your brain

Now all you want is your mommy
For comfort, you feel so alone
Dissed by a babyface commie
Who refuses to pick up the phone

When North Korea won’t take your calls
And your spouse tells you, “We need to talk”
When your boss calls your project “diverting”
When your diet’s a celery stalk

It can all seem a little confounding
How it hurts, now it stings, wow it galls
To you it has all come redounding
North Korea’s not taking your calls


Write to Peter Jeffrey at pjeffrey@bloomberg.net

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